Today I am struggling

Today is hard. It’s got nothing to do with food or exercise- although I suppose it has everything to do with food and exercise, really. I’m feeling incredibly down today. Not emotional, not moody, not flat- I’m feeling low. I thought I’d already written about the moods and emotions I’ve been experiencing over the past two weeks, but I just found the draft of that post in the trash folder so I guess I never got around to finishing or publishing it. Emotionally the last two weeks have been a journey, but I think today’s the hardest.

As my body’s gotten used to reduced sugar, refined carbs, dairy and fats I’ve gone on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions and moods. I’ve been short tempered, and I’ve been a bitch to those who are supporting and helping me, but for the most part I’ve been aware of it and remotely in control of it. I’ve felt up and down depending on the day, how much exercise I’ve had and what I’ve eaten- and depending on how I felt about all of that. too.

Yesterday afternoon I got angry about something (too angry by reasonable normal standards, but fairly in line with ‘Challenge’ me) and it put me in a bit of a ‘light fog’. That’s how I’ll describe it- a light fog that made me feel down a bit. The fog stayed with me until I’d nearly finished cooking dinner, at nearly 9 pm. Thank goodness for cooking- it lulled me out of the fog. It’s such a meditative process for me, when there’s no time constraints and no-one around to disturb me. It’s just me and the veggies and the chopping board. A bit like writing, actually.

This morning I woke up and, as my day started, the fog started to roll in again. I know why, but the reason doesn’t matter. I’ve sat at my desk not really achieving anything, flicking between screens trying to find something that inspires me to do something. Anything. Work stuff, non-work stuff- none of it’s worked. I went for a walk at lunch time, and far from my usual power-walk through the city, my feet dragged. Everything felt heavy. My usual fix for a crap day is food of some kind- normally unhealthy food, too. Today I can’t turn to a hot chocolate or a piece of cake- not that those things ever particularly help anyway. And not that I normally feel this down, either.

This afternoon I’ve put my headphones on and I’m blasting some Mumford and Sons. It’s helping to block out the world, and it’s making it all a bit more bearable. The fog’s lifting a bit.

It’s really hard to tell what’s a chemical response in my body right now and what’s a genuine reaction or feeling. I suspect that most of it is genuine emotion that’s being amplified by changes in my body. But then the little voice in my head says “is your body really changing? Are the chemical reactions real? Probably not… it’s just a great excuse….”

And so the battle in my head goes on.

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